What is going on in our society disgusts me. We’re literally watching the implosion of America, (although I say this as I sit comfortably in my suburban home). I’ve hit a new level of unrest and anger with what has transpired… so I reached out to a friend of mine whose passion, conviction, and mission I’ve always admired. He shared with me a blog he wrote recently that sparked my thinking, it’s definitely a great perspective and I encourage you to give it a read.
https://www.lead2legacy.org/fearlessly-exploring-the-gray-areas-between-blacks-and-whites/
Race can’t be a taboo topic any longer
I typically have taken the approach to not ruffle feathers, I’m a people pleaser and generally like to avoid confrontation. For the majority of my life I’ve followed the rule that there are topics you should never talk about in public forums including Politics, Money, Religion and Race.
Today I will begin shortening that list. I will now venture into the race conversation, not because I have all the answers, in fact at this moment I don’t have any. However, what I’ve now come to realize as a white man in America today, I have a responsibility to stand up for other people's basic human rights and speak up for injustice. This post is focused on me exploring my own feelings surrounding race. It’s not intended to be preachy, but instead document my background and beliefs so that we as a community can get to know each other more intimately and advance our conversation and behavior together.
Growing Up
I was very fortunate to grow up in suburban Buffalo, NY. My biological parents were both white and stemmed from proud Polish and Italian backgrounds. My childhood best friends were Korean/Japanese, I would spend many days and nights hanging out at their house. It became essentially my second home and thus exposed me to many interesting foods and customs that would have otherwise been foreign. The school district I went to had a collection of racial, ethnic, and religious diversity. From a socioeconomic perspective it was middle to upper middle class, although our school did include students from a few government assisted housing complexes. My parents worked very hard for the life they provided me and gave me an opportunity to get a high-quality education. I don’t take these opportunities for granted and am humbled and blessed to have had them. However, I’m now more aware that “white privilege” is a real thing and my life has benefited (rightly or wrongly) by being born a white male. I will never apologize for the hard work and sacrifices my parents made, but because of this privilege I recognize I also have a responsibility to set an example for my family, co-workers, and community in a way that embraces diversity of color, ethnicity, sexuality, and thoughts. Because in the grand scheme of things, we are ALL human.
Raising My Kids
I find myself now in my 40’s living in an Atlanta suburb which many would call a “bubble”. We have some of the strongest schools in the nation and ethnic diversity is strong. However, socioeconomic diversity is weak. When a job opportunity brought me to Georgia I selected this area so that my children could get the best opportunity possible to learn and give them the best chance to be successful, contributing members of society. I’m extremely proud of my children (now both in High School) for embracing the uniqueness that each race brings, having friends that are Black, Brown, Yellow, and White. This, in my opinion, is how it should be - as ethnic and religious diversity is the reality across the globe - and I believe growth comes from new experiences.
In addition to our biological children, my wife and I are also foster parents. Shockingly in the last few years, we’ve observed a 5-year-old staying with us make a racist comment about black people. We immediately stopped the child and had a discussion about why that was not an appropriate way to think or talk. We then discussed (as Dr. Martin Luther King stated) how judgments on a person should be made “based on the content of their character”. We continued to reinforce this conversation during the small teachable moments of our lives; in car rides, at the dinner table, etc. However, what made this abundantly clear to me is that racism begins at home.
Being Judgmental
Behind my sometimes mellow and humorous persona, one thing you may not know about me is I’m extremely judgemental. Yes -right or wrong - I’m a very harsh critic of people and have very high expectations of how people should act. Do I judge black people? Yes. But I also judge white people. My judgment has nothing to do with skin color and everything to do with how individuals conduct themselves and what those actions indicate about their values. While I’ve had this realization for a while, being a foster parent has helped cement my perspective. I have stepped into the so-called mess to take in children from both black families and white families alike and my judgment has exponentially intensified. I have felt anger towards their biological parents BUT it has nothing to do with race, rather it has EVERYTHING to do with character.
The values I judge others on include:
Integrity - I define this as the value of being honest and delivering on commitments. This includes a responsibility to oneself and to others.
Dedication, Persistence, Discipline - While I don’t expect everyone to be a drill sergeant (what a sad world that would be). There is an element of self-control that I believe people should have to help achieve their goals in life.
Respecting Authority - I believe rules and the entities that govern them should be respected and followed for the betterment of society. Admittedly, someone has to earn my respect regardless of their title - and there have been times when people in high positions have lost my respect and it has never been regained. I could imagine in the racial situation we’re in right now, this must be a real feeling the black community has towards law enforcement.
Open-mindedness - School isn’t the only place to learn, I believe in a philosophy where anyone can continually learn new skills, new hobbies, new ideas and grow throughout one's life. I believe there’s more than one way to achieve certain outcomes and creative and innovative ideas are how progress happens.
Respecting Diversity - I believe regardless of the color of one's skin, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political preference, or socioeconomic status each human brings a unique perspective and should be valued.
Guilty of Inaction
Have I ever avoided a group of young black men when walking alone at night? Yes. But I’ve also done the same with a group of young white men. My dad taught me to anticipate and use “street smarts” to not put myself in potentially dangerous situations where I might get “jumped”.
I have also witnessed people making off-color, racist remarks or jokes and said nothing. Sometimes my inaction was because I didn’t realize what just happened until the person walked away, and other times I chose to avoid confrontation. I will never know what it’s like to be black just as I’ll never know what it’s like to be a police officer who puts their life on the line every day. What I do recognize now more than ever is that I need to find new ways to put myself in a black person’s shoes.
Committing to Next Steps
So perhaps as I write this - what becomes my immediate commitment - is to continue to have an open dialogue about race (regardless of my personal comfort level), to confront the comments that previously would have been ignored, and to stand together with my black friends and co-workers to help reverse this systemic abuse which has existed for way too long. I know it’s impossible to solve every issue, but moving more quickly into new behavior is now essential.
The resulting question is what next step will YOU commit to?